Feb 09
13
Don’t Baby Your Child
Their have been numerous studies conducted on children who are introverted and timid. The results of these studies have concluded that mothers who protected their child from upsetting experiences tended to have timid children who were plagued by fear as they grew older. Mothers who encouraged their child to deal with more of what the world had to give were significantly less fearful as they grew older. This concept seems to confound a lot of parents who believe that children should not experience anything upsetting. This idea of "Babying" children has led to a group of children who can barely write a full sentence, who are not able to speak up, make eye contact, or be responsible for anything that belongs to them. These are the same children who in their twenties are leaving home and have no idea of how run a washer or dryer, cook a basic meal, or balance a checkbook. It is estimated that up to 30% of males over thirty STILL LIVE AT HOME!
And even worse, they do not pay rent or do any chores!!
Approximately 30 years ago, a new movement started to become popular which focused on how to improve the Self-Esteem of children. Parents started to hear that this new movement was "THE" way to raise children and without any real investigation, they started to praise their children for all of their good deeds. Unfortunately, unrestricted praise without limit ends up having the exact opposite effect on a child – it makes them completely dependent on the parent. I have seen children become completely paralyzed if their parent left the room for 1 minute, or children who are not able to do anything without looking to the parent for praise – they are asked to pick up their clothes and after each item is placed in the bag the child will actually stop and wait for the parent to tell them what a great job they did.
A parent even praised their 9 year old daughter for tying her shoes. Now you may be thinking, "What’s the big deal?" or "Yeah, I have done that." The parents in almost every case mean well. This is another concept adults have difficulty dealing with – INTENT. Without formal parenting training, parents are left to fend for themselves and do the best they can. What I am trying to get you to understand that is even with the best of intent, it is still possible to cause harm. Every time a parent over protects their child, they are stealing from them the opportunity to learn from the experience. They are stealing the chance of accomplishment and success and condemning the child to a life of dependency and fear.
Children need to learn about delayed gratification and the earlier they learn it the better. By allowing your child to struggle with a particular situation, they are learning just that – delayed gratification. They learn that in order to be successful they have to work hard and stay focused on the matter at hand. Life is not going to "hand" them anything – they will have to work for it. Why do so many parents find this issue challenging?
First, parents tend to raise their children the way they were raised. If things were not good, parents tend to repeat the error or go to the opposite extreme and still see the problems they were hoping to avoid. Second, parents tend to feel guilty about a lot of things so they become too permissive with their children in hopes of removing that guilt. The idea that not having rules will make your child like you more is problematic in American Society.
A client once told me, "I let my child stay up late at night because I work late and want to spend time with them." This simply adds more problems on top of the current ones. Not only was the child still unhappy, but they suffered from a lack of sleep and contributed to being constantly ill.
Does your child whine a lot?
Do they refuse to go to bed?
Do they throw food?
Now picture them at the age of 20 doing the same thing. If you don’t get this problem resolved soon, that is what you are going to have on your hands. Children don’t out grow behavior problems.
First, recognize it is a problem.
Second, take a deep breath and roll up your sleeves. This challenge is going to difficult. But it is more difficult at age 24 than it is at age 4.
Remember, Struggle Is Good.
What To Do Instead: Identify The Problem. Are your children running the show? Think about how it got that way. It is not their fault that you gave them that much control. It is not the children’s responsibility to raise the parents. Realize that you can regain control and your children will be much happier in the long term, and more importantly, you do not have to be abusive to get things back on track. Symptoms:
* Pick up your child’s clothes, toys, and personal items daily.
* Finish their homework for them because they say they don’t get it
* Become their best friend because they don’t have any friends
* Pay off their debt because they don’t have the money
* Hire an attorney friend to help them avoid a traffic ticket (Even when you know they are wrong)
These are dangerous precedents to set and difficult to change once they are in place. Most parents know that this is not the right thing to do, but ignore their thoughts. They may have had trouble as a child and do not want their child to feel the same pain.
The thing to remember is that the little voice inside is right 99.999% of the time. Learn to listen to it.
Rules to Work On:
1) Let them tie their own shoes – By the age of 5, a child should be able to tie their own shoes.
2) They won’t break if they have to wait a few minutes
3) Let tears do the healing
4) Don’t bail them out!
Related posts:
